A Mid-October Night's Nightmare

I usually don’t talk about my normal nightmares. If something horrific happens in my nightmares, something that will most definitely not happen, then I share them simply because they’re so out there. But the normal ones, the ones that have potential to happen – those I usually keep to myself. This time, I have decided to share it because there’s a lesson behind it. And we all like lessons.

Last night, I spent half the evening balling my eyes out – all in my nightmare. I was home again, in Maryland or North Carolina – I couldn’t tell – and I had realized that my London life was over. I had accomplished nothing, I had seen nothing, I had not even come close to doing all the things I had on my list. I didn’t travel anywhere while I was there. I didn’t find my happy-ever-after ending. It was basically an awful nightmare. Reverse culture shock hit me harder than I could have ever imagined. I did not want to be where I was anymore. All I wanted to do was go back home, to London. But for some reason, that wasn’t possible. Something was standing in my way of coming back to London. Before I could figure that out, I had two visits from people I hadn’t seen in years. I can’t remember who the first was, but the second I do. I don’t know why she was one of my visitors, but she came to the door with her mom and someone else who I didn’t know. And the door wasn’t the door to my home even though I was with my whole family. (I know, you are probably even more confused than I am at this point, so I apologize and I applaud you for hanging in there with me.) But she was there asking me about my life since I had seen her last. And that’s all I can remember.

The visitors’ conversations are a blur, my neighborhood – which wasn’t my actual neighborhood – is a blur. I have no idea what else happened in this nightmare, but the details aren’t important anymore. What I learned from my nightmare is that it’s time to slow down. It’s time for me to start seeing the things I want to see and stop letting people and other things hinder me from doing exactly what I want. The real nightmare would come when I do have to go home in less than two months and have nothing accomplished beyond the skeleton of my list of things to do. It’s time to stop letting the minutes tick away and it’s time for my family to pick up and move to London.

The lesson here: Don’t fall asleep with your London guidebook and wake up with your iPod earphones choking you as The Beatles’ “Love Me Do” is playing.

Tube Thoughts

The other day, I headed off to Hackney after class to go to my internship...simply because that's where I love to be. I had work to do as well, but I just love going to my internship. But that day in particular, Thursday, I learned more about myself in a few hours than I have been able to figure out in a long time.

What an incredible feeling of independence it is to just walk around London and do as I feel without a care in the world. Well, of course I have many cares in the world, but what a brilliant feeling. I had my iPod in, listening to all the most marvelous tunes, and was just completely soaking in all the glory of London: the tube, the people, the sites, the freedom, the buildings, the smells, everything. I can hardly put it into words and I know that I'm not giving those moments justice. But during that time, I thought about so many things and tried to figure out so much. I didn't necessarily have any resolution to any of the things I thought about, but it felt so good to be able to think for once. I have been going and going non-stop for the past couple of weeks, unable to take a moment to process everything, but Thursday gave me that moment, plus a few more.

I thought about my internship and how it's something that I can see myself doing for a long time after college. I thought about The Pendulum and my future and how much it hurts to see such incredible things going on with the paper and I'm unable to be there to share in it - it's given me so much joy to see everything online at least and to see how stunning the paper has become, but I so want to be a part of it. I thought about my major and how much time is left in making a decision about my future - not only have I been unable to decide between television and print/online, but radio has been added to the confusion and fumble. I thought about my family and how my mom will be here so soon and I finally get to share my city with her.

And as I was taking in the glory of independence and realizing how much I have grown in only one month, I thought about how this is the only place in the world where I will be completely happy. It's the only place I can imagine spending the rest of my life. And whether I have to live here and there for some years before I make it to London, it's a time that I'm willing to spend.